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17 June 2010 @ 12:17 pm
on reading  
 So really, I am going to post more recs. I swear. 

Life is hectic. My old boss, who I liked a lot, moved to California last month. My new boss has been on the job for a couple of weeks, and I think she's great, but she keeps handing me projects. Nickelhusband made the mistake the other day of saying something dismissive about my job, and I just about bit his head off. (Yes, it's retail, and no, it's not important or culturally valued, but oh my god, directly managing a hundred people is hard fucking work.)

At the moment, I'm putting off doing my statistics homework. I'm in my second week of an online class, my final prerequisite for grad school in the fall. I'd rather be recording. I'm woefully behind on a podfic that I'm really excited about making.

Which brings me to this: general-jinjur.dreamwidth.org/642493.html

I came across it on metafandom , and it made me think. I'm still new to recording, and haven't been personally exposed to a lot of the issues she's talking about and responding to. I haven't come across anything to make me tired in the way she describes. I'm naive, I guess. I'm basically a lurker at heart.

But she talked about the experience of reading - not listening, but reading - and a lot of things clicked for me. The intimacy, in particular. Like a lot of people, I have issues in this area. I stopped writing fiction because it was too intimate, too personal. I didn't want to let anyone get that close to me. I've spent all my adult life so far trying to tear down my own walls and let people in. I think recording stories allows me to be intimate, to let people into my life in a real, physical way, while still maintaining a certain distance. It's my voice, my laptop humming a little too loud in the background, my cat crying at the door, and what I'm reading is a very specific representation of my interest and passion. But because it's not my story, there's still a filter. I'm expressing myself openly and honestly, but sideways. 

Here's something personal: the last story I finished recording was, in large part, about cancer. I'm a survivor of childhood cancer, and I recorded the first half of that story during a very recent cancer scare, in the couple of days before my thyroidectomy. When I listen to it, I can hear a certain roughness in my voice, which I know is from the lump that was growing in my throat. By the second half of the story, the roughness is gone. I'd recovered from surgery, and the pathologist had confirmed that everything was benign.

I wasn't able to tell people I loved what I was going through. But I was able to express it in the story I chose, and in the hints of stress in my voice. I'll gladly sing praises about the writer's talent and vision, and I'll always be grateful to her for writing that story and allowing me to post it. But reading it? Was about me. 

It's noon already, and I really need to finish my homework. I hope I've been coherent and constructive. And I will resume my recs soon. Really.
 
 
 
Hepcat: getexcited epicblueblanketnwhepcat on June 17th, 2010 06:05 pm (UTC)
Wonderful post. I'll have to take a peek at the post you reference.

And I keep meaning to drop you a note: I am SO ON for Saturday the 26 if you still are. Guess we should nail down details!

And thank you for your readings; they are a gift, for sure.